My Philosophy of Life (2002)

I was raised to value very traditional Christian ethics. My family regularly attended a Southern Baptist church. We would go on Sunday mornings and evenings, as well as Wednesday evenings. As a child, my thinking was very rigid; everything was black or white. I clung to the contents of the Bible as absolute truth. While those basic values are still with me, time, experience and self examination have had a major role in shaping my current beliefs. Of course, I stand by such basic directives as the Ten Commandments. Those are fundamental rules that should not require a stated version in order to inform people. Anyone who is considerate of other's feelings should be directed by their conscience to avoid inflicting physical or emotional pain on a fellow human being. Listen to me ramble on. Even though my outlook on life is much more cynical now, I have still retained a level of naivete. I just assume others follow the same principles that I do. I suppose I just expect better behavior from my fellow man, even though I am disappointed on a regular basis. The most important and fundamental rule I try to live by is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It is so basic, yet it covers most situations. If you always consider how you would feel if you were in the other person's shoes, the action to take (or not take) should be crystal clear.

I'm certainly thankful that my parents felt compelled to make me, my brothers and sister attend church. In my adult life, I have retained a fundamental respect for other people's feelings. Religion though, is far from an all-encompassing salve for societal ills. The underlying values that are taught have great value, yet those can be passed on from parent to child without benefit of an organization such as a church. The problem with churches, actually, is that they are made up of human beings. What I learned as a child was that pastor's can sleep with deacon's spouses, other church elders are also capable of cheating, and most disappointing of all, is that your support system is capable of being judgmental and turning away from you when you make a mistake. I realize that not all congregations are alike, yet it's difficult to intellectualize those experiences and emotionally free yourself from their effects.

I question sometimes the amount of control we have over our natural behavior. Without a doubt, I believe we make our own decisions and are responsible for the consequences of those actions. I look at certain people though, and see patterns that are difficult to ignore. For example, my oldest brother Billy was an extremely wild child. Even though he received the same teachings as me, he still followed a path of chaos, pain and despair. Billy was violent as a child, defiant to our parents, and quite early on became a regular drug user. Roughly four years ago, his body finally betrayed him and he died. Years of alcohol and drug abuse caused his heart to fail. Why did he choose that path? He was given the same love, attention and spiritual guidance as me. His father, who I never knew, was a violent, abusive man, which is why my mother had left him. Billy was no more than four years old when they left. Were those first years so impressionable that the damage was undo-able, or was he genetically predisposed to behave that way? I may never know for sure, but a part of me wishes that some of his behavior was out of his control. At the least, it would help me rationalize the path he chose.

In a similar vein, I wonder about some of the choices I have made throughout my life. Even though the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else, I have consistently handled relationships poorly. My wife and I married very young. I was two months shy of turning twenty when we were wed. I had been very shy in school, and as a consequence, never really dated. Although I have my doubts that an immature twenty year old really knows what love is, I did know I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and seventeen years later, I feel the same way. Given that, why did I have such a wandering eye early in our marriage? One could say that I had not “sown my oats” and was trying to work through those yearnings, but if that were true, I would have stopped long ago. Roughly ever four years, I found myself in the same situation. I would experience a depressive episode (for which I did not seek or had discontinued treatment), during which I would develop an attraction to another woman. This, of course, has cause many problems in my marriage, but thankfully I am fortunate to have an understanding wife. I would like to mention that none of the attractions led to sexual relations, but the emotional betrayal can sting just as sharply, if not more. I f your are wondering where I am going with this, I'm ready to deliver the punchline. You see, I found out a few years ago that a certain relative had quite the reputation when they were young. I actually confided in them on an indiscretion and was told “there are two kinds of love”, that sex was just sex. I felt a chill as I realized that , in the early years of my marriage, those were the exact rationalizations I had used for my extra relationships. Even though I was raised to believe adultery was wrong, I was walking the same path as this blood relative. Have I been genetically predisposed to cheat? Do I have a sexual addiction that, like alcoholics, I must fight my entire life? I'm not excusing my behavior, only trying to understand it. By the life rules I have developed, I would have left me long ago. I don't feel I would put up with a wandering eye indefinitely.

Another thing that has changed in the almost twenty years since I attended church is my feelings about my place in life. The only purpose I received from the church was to bring others into the fold. “Be a good witness. Follow the Lord's will.” Once, a man who was supposed to be insightful and well, sensitive to messages from God, told me that I would “do great things.” I cannot describe how that made a lonely, insecure teenager feel. Finally, some good news about the future. In retrospect, I wince at my gullibility. How many others had he told something similar? It's easy enough for an educated adult to look at a teenager, spot the insecurity, and feed them generic words of inspiration. Religion is as much about psychology as it is spirituality. I used to feel I had a higher purpose, but the reality is that there are more than six billion people on this rock and we cannot all have significance beyond our friends and family. I'm alright with that, though. Beyond having a positive influence on those around me, I have no grand aspirations for my life. My mission in life is to have a good life, learn as mush as I can about subjects that interest me, and continue to improve as a person.

Considering how differently my brother and I turned out, I worry over the prospect of raising a child. My wife and I have no children, but have certainly considered it. Is there anything I could do differently that would improve upon my parent's child rearing efforts? Other than being more relaxed in what outside influences my child has access to, I can think of nothing else. I feel like they were too restrictive in what we watched and listened to, but they were the most loving sensitive and giving parents anyone could ask for. They tried imparting their values to us, ranging from the spiritual to the financial. They encouraged us in our abilities and interests. I could only aspire to duplicate their efforts to raise us to be caring and productive adults.

It should be quite obvious by now, but many fundamental aspects of my philosophy of life come from a very religious upbringing. From Sunday School to passionately delivered sermons, my values are rooted deeply in Biblical teachings. Many ideas have changed over the years, as I escaped the single-mindedness of the church and formed my own opinions. For instance, at seventeen I would have told you that homosexuality was inarguably wrong. Today, I think it's fantastic that two people find love, regardless of gender. Everyone could benefit from a loving partner to support them and share experiences with. I've searched my own conscience and can find no “evil” in two people sharing love and respect. I have found that, while the lessons learned in church are important, it's just as critical to teach children to think for themselves. We should educate them, not brainwash them.

I become concerned about the future at times. I was naive enough to believe there would always be plenty of jobs in the IT field. I never suspected that the job market would stay down as long as it has. Fewer positions are available, and more applicants are waiting to fill those positions. I do not have a degree, so I am more likely to be overlooked. Never mind that I have a 150+ IQ. Forget that everyone I've ever worked with consider me to be a top notch programmer. On paper, I do not stack up against other applicants. That is one of the reasons I decided to finally pursue a degree. Most important to me is the learning experience, something I sorely missed, but I would be a poor architect if I did not recognize weaknesses that needed to be addressed. I cannot say I am optimistic about the future. Let's just say that I am realistic, yet hopeful, that things will turn out alright. It's been a pretty decent trip so far, and I look forward to the future.