I have a number of songs in my music library that take me to certain places in my head. I could simply avoid listening to them, but I have two reasons for not avoiding them. First, I truly love these songs, whether it's for the sound, lyrics, or both. In many cases, the lyrics didn't hold the same meaning for me before I lost Melinda. For example, Gone Away by The Offspring is such a sad and heartfelt expression of losing a loved one, but the words did not evoke an emotional response from me until I had lost someone I truly loved. Now I can't listen to it without tearing up. Secondly, it's more productive to me to face those feelings head on. Over time, as I have listened to Gone Away, my feelings have become less intense.
I'm not in the same place with every one of those "Melinda" songs. Some still hit harder than others. The song that's been coming up on my MP3 player more recently is Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance. The lyrics speak to me about my relationship with Melinda and the struggles I went through, both during our marriage and at her passing. I'm going to share the lyrics and what they mean to me when I hear them.
Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change
Oddly enough, this holds two separate meanings to me. You see, Melinda's life choices were a bit of an enigma to me, and frankly to anyone who asked me what she did for a living. Melinda never worked and didn't even have a driver's license, yet she could come off as fiercely independent if you were to talk with her. I mention this because we had a handful of times where she wanted to leave but felt like she couldn't because she couldn't support herself. She wanted to leave and if she had the means, I wouldn't have been able to stop her. I know that she loved me deeply, but I question what her heart really wanted. The second meaning is very literal, in the sense that I could not prevent her from dying.
So many
Bright lights that cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well, is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete?
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak
Melinda and I married too young and we each had our own emotional baggage that eventually drove a wedge between us. I recognized early on that we would benefit from marriage counseling, but she wouldn't stand for it. We did go to see a counselor once. The therapist quickly recognized that we had a dependent relationship. Melinda relied on me for almost everything, from grocery shopping to playing chauffeur if she had places that she wanted to go. When the counselor suggested that Melinda become more independent, she stormed out. Responses like that eventually caused me to give up and simply accept our relationship as is. I loved her so much that I couldn't just walk away, even if the relationship was unhealthy.
This pattern continued throughout our nearly 30 year marriage. Everything was on my shoulders. We couldn't talk about our relationship, nor could we talk about our ever growing debt, especially as we stumbled head first into a major house renovation that we could neither afford or had a healthy enough marriage to be able to work well together. I eventually began to give up on things that I loved as the debt grew, thinking it was for the greater good and not realizing just how much I would begin to resent my sacrifices.
So with that bit of history laid out I can better explain the lyrics meaning to me. "But can I speak?" I didn't feel as if I had a voice in the marriage. I usually took the path of least resistance and avoided confrontation, if possible. It's moments like the marriage counselor incident that made me feel helpless and unable to affect a change. 'Is it hard understanding, I'm incomplete." This is the hardest part for me. Melinda and I loved each other, but I rarely felt like I had an equal partner. "A life that's so demanding. A love that's so demanding" In the last years of our marriage, I often felt crushed under the weight of my responsibilities, and because we weren't able to communicate effectively with each other, I would take on problems myself and hide them from her.
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey, if you stay
I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
I'd like those first two lines to be true, and most days they are. My life is now completely different from what I expected. Melinda and I would work out all our problems, the house renovation would be complete and wonderfully decorated. Melinda had a real gift for design and I feel she would have been very successful had she pursued a career in the field. I believe in that respect, everyone lost out. The world missed out on a talented interior designer and Melinda missed the opportunity to do something for a living that brought her joy. "Honey, if you stay I'll be forgiven." If Melinda were here, I could apologize for every name uttered in anger, every hole in the wall made when I couldn't see a way to resolve an issue I want to be forgiven, but now she can't do that for me. I have to find a way to forgive myself, and I am getting there. I understand that the problems were not all mine. I just have to recognize the faults that were mine and ensure that I learn from them.
I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead
These words hit me the hardest whenever I hear them, and it's usually the part where I tend to lose my composure. All I can think of is trying to wake Melinda up the night she died. It was by far the most frightened and confused I've ever been in my entire life. The third line is the only one that doesn't reflect my actual feelings and is completely opposite to how I felt at that moment. It's funny how our thought processes can be shaped by what's come before. I remember going to my best friend's house one day and saw his father asleep on the couch. I had a feeling of dread and then I watched his chest for movement; some indication that he was still breathing. His father is in his 80's, but in relatively good health and I had no real reason to jump to that place in my head. I had a similar moment with another family member of mine recently. Hopefully, I won't always be apprehensive and assume the worst.
Because Melinda died unexpectedly, we had no moment of atonement, confession or forgiveness. No famous last words. But looking back on her last words to me, it showed how she was always thinking of me first. It wasn't always easy to see that love, as I believe she was suffering from a deep depression and wasn't always in a place where she could express it. That night, I laid next to her and tried to comfort her as she was dealing with a migraine. She knew that I would likely become ill if I waited too long to eat. The last thing she told me was to go eat some dinner. So the last thing she ever said to me was an expression of her love and concern for me. That is the single moment from that evening that I need to hold in my heart.
I love you Melinda and I'm sorry for everything. I'll never forget that wonderful smile and pure joy during the better times.
