Some boys hate themselves
Spend their lives resenting their fathers
Fortunately, even though I have self image issues, my parents are not the source of my problems. I have always looked to them as examples on how to conduct myself, and they never set unrealistic expectations that I felt I had to live up to. Still, I often felt like I came up short when I measured my life against theirs, and I don't know the reason. Most people are their own harshest judge, but I feel like I've had Simon Cowell inside my head my entire life, ready to dispense disapproval at every decision. I am trying to accept that I won't always make the best choices and that's okay as long as I put forth my best effort.
Some girls hate their bodies
Stand in the mirror and wait for the feedback
Speaking of self image, I have a perfect example of how skewed my thinking has been for a long time. For almost my entire life, if you asked me to rate my own looks, I might give you a 5 (or 6 if I was having a really good day). I never thought I was ugly, just simply average. It wasn't until a few years ago that I had a realization. I had always thought my father was handsome, a sentiment echoed by friends and family throughout my life. Looking at pictures of us at the same ages, we look a lot alike, enough so that I once did a double take at a video of my father, because I thought for a second it was me. So it finally dawned on me that I might actually be attractive to somebody out there. A small victory, but a lesson I try to remember and apply to other areas in my life.
Some girls hate themselves
Hide under the covers with sleeping pills and
Some girls cut themselves
Stand in the mirror and wait for the feedback
Some boys get too much, too much love, too much touch
Some boys starve themselves
Stand in the mirror and wait for the feedback
The theme throughout the song is about people who are unhappy with themselves. It's not a pleasant topic, but one that's worth discussing. I'm trying to understand what may have happened during my childhood to affect my self image at a fundamental level. Although I may not recall a lot of details from my teens, some memories are quite clear. I can tell you that at 16, I had little confidence in myself or a sense of self worth. I went to a Christian school and one day a man visited us to give a speech and to briefly speak individually with each student to give us a message from God. I remember him laying his hand on my shoulder, leaning in and saying "God has great plans for you". I could barely contain my tears because at that moment, I felt like my life would count for something. As if, without that prophecy, my life previously had no value.
God, make me famous
If You can't, just make it painless
Just make it painless
I've discussed this line with a few people, and I believe it can be taken one of two ways. From a non-suicidal viewpoint, it's a plea to be known and loved, giving some meaning to life, and if that's not to be, then at least make life bearable. For me, the song is clearly about suicide, so I tend to go with the darker interpretation. It's like someone saying "I'm going to end my life so people will think of me, and that's the only way I can be relevant. If it doesn't make people remember me, then at least make it painless." It's a sad and yet very poetic way to encapsulate a tragic thought process.
Creature comfort makes it painless
Bury me penniless and nameless
Born in a diamond mine
It's all around you but you can't see it
Born in a diamond mine
It's all around you but you can't touch it
People who are fundamentally unhappy try to cover up their sadness with material things. It may help for a while, but if you're unsatisfied with yourself or your life, those are merely diversions and not a solution. You have to be able to find worth in both yourself and those around you. To me, "Born in a diamond mine" means that we come into this world surrounded by love and possibilities. The problem is that not everyone can see it, or if they can, they believe those things are out of reach. I certainly felt that way when I was young, and during some of the darker times in my life.
It goes on and on, I don't know what I want
On and on, I don't know if I want it
On and on, I don't know what I want
On and on, I don't know if I want it
Well if you're not sure, better safe than sorry
The daily struggle to go on for someone who is feeling suicidal is not something I would wish on anyone. I've been there and quite frankly, it's a miserable state of being. Here, that mindset is plainly laid out with the confusion of someone wondering if they want to continue living. I like the last line in particular. If you're still not sure what to do after hearing the song, then "better safe than sorry." You can cut your hair too short and it'll grow back if you decide that was a bad choice. You can't undo a suicide, so the plea is to consider the permanence of that decision before doing anything rash.
It's not painless
She was a friend of mine, a friend of mine
And we're not nameless, oh
I want to cry every time I hear these lines. No matter how painless you think your suicide will be, you are only considering your own discomfort and not the people that love you. You may think that no one cares, but trust me when I say that you have people in your life that care about you, and they will be suffering because of your choice. You may not think you matter, but you are not "nameless". Every life has value. You may touch other people's lives in positive ways and not even be aware of it, and that's a big reason why I'm still here. I'm keenly aware of what suicide can do to a family, and I wasn't even old enough to understand it at the time.
My father lost both of his brothers in the space of five months. I was only two years old, so I only know second hand what transpired, and honestly I usually avoided asking my dad about it because I feared it would be too painful a memory. We did have a very open and honest discussion about it recently, because I was thinking about writing this blog and it gave me the courage to ask. The details of our conversation are private, but it was helpful to speak so candidly with him about something so personal. Their suicides left an indelible mark on the family. It's a shame that their children had to grow up without their fathers. I didn't even know them and I feel robbed. My father is a warm, funny and loving person. If Denny and Terry were anything like him, then I missed out on two great uncles.
Please understand, I'm not judging them for their actions. If you've ever contemplated suicide, then I only want you to consider the effect on those you would leave behind. And as I mentioned earlier, I've come dangerously close to it myself. What's stopped me every time is knowing it would hurt the ones I love most. Of course, that doesn't take away the pain that you're feeling. It's merely a deterrent to doing the deed. What I've found to be the most helpful during my lowest times is to focus on other people, because everyone has their own set of problems. Reaching out and helping someone else in need not only removes the focus from your depressive thoughts, but contributes to your sense of self worth, and hopefully you're making their life just a little better.
The closest I came to checking out early was the year or two prior to Melinda's death. We were drowning in debt and unable to discuss it. We were slowly becoming strangers and she didn't want to see a therapist. I felt I couldn't leave because she had never worked and I feared she would end up at a shelter (she told me her mother would not take her in). Also, I loved her deeply and what I wanted most was to make it work. I was paralyzed in my misery and didn't see a way out. I thought about ending my life often during that period, searching for information on sleeping pills and other drugs. After all, if I was going to commit suicide, I really didn't want to fuck it up.
The reality of the situation is that I had a number of options that all involved making tough choices, none of which I was prepared to make. I could have insisted that we seek counseling. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but with our marriage in that state, it was probably warranted. Maintaining the status quo certainly wasn't working. I could have been firm about the finances as well. I was afraid of driving her further away and besides that, it seemed to be the only way to make her happy. The vacations and house projects gave her something to look forward to, and I couldn't bear to take that away from her. The thing is, I felt I had no control over my life when in reality I was too afraid to do what was best for everyone involved. In the end, if Melinda truly loved me (and I know she did), she would have respected my decisions. And if not, then at least I would have been able to move forward with my life. The point I'm trying to make is that you may believe you have no other options, but maybe like me, you are afraid to make the hard choices available to you.
Another thought to keep in mind is that whatever is weighing you down today is not permanent. What seems insurmountable now can and will be overcome, although not always in the way you might expect. At my lowest point, I would cling to the words from Amazing by Aerosmith (our all time favorite band). So much of it hits home and is relevant to the conversation, but the most important lines to me are what I'll leave you with:
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
Dedicated to Dennis and Terry Helsley, who I hope to meet in another life.
 |
| Denny Helsley |
 |
| Terry Helsley |
 |
| Denny, Terry and Tom (my dad) |
