If you've been reading my blogs, then you will have noticed by now that I like to reference songs. Music can have a powerful effect and lyrics with which I connect are what speak to my heart. Black Sun by Death Cab for Cutie was released in January 26, 2015, just 15 days before Melinda died. I don't recall if I heard it before she passed, but it left a lasting impression the very first time that I did listen to it. Some songs have certain lines that echo my feelings. It's easy to latch onto those lines and ignore all the others that I don't necessarily relate to. Black Sun is not one of those songs. I don't get as emotional when listening to it now versus two years ago, but the meaning has not changed. I will always consider this my most personal grieving song because I feel like my story is reflected in the lyrics. I will try to explain those connections by going through the lyrics with you.
There is whiskey in the water
There is death upon the vine
Melinda's death was sudden and unexpected. After waiting for weeks to hear from the medical examiner, I found out that she died due to atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease. Basically, her arteries were severely narrowed. The doctor was unable to determine the actual cause of death as he didn't find evidence of a heart attack or stroke, but it's reasonable to assume that a blockage caused her death. Her cardiovascular system were the vines and death was literally inside them.
There is fear in the eyes of your father
Melinda only saw her father David when she was very young. He suffered from alcoholism and after he left, he didn't keep in touch. Melinda tried to find him early in our marriage without success. She was able to determine that he may have still been in the Dallas area and was homeless. I don't remember how, but at some point we learned that he had passed away, so Melinda was never able to reconnect with him. I can see David fearing Melinda's death. Not only would he not want his daughter to die, but I think he might have feared the reunion. As happy as he might have been to see Melinda, he must have felt regret over abandoning his family and it would have weighed on him heavily.
And there is "Yours" and there is "Mine"
I truly felt in my heart during our marriage that everything we owned belonged to both of us. I rarely thought of something as just mine. I remember catching myself saying "my car" at times, but Melinda didn't drive and that's just how I referred to it. We actually had an argument about that once when she pointed it out. It would sound strange to me to say "our car" and I never intended that wording to infer my sole ownership of it . At any rate, after she died I had to sort through everything in the house. During that process, many items that were "ours" fell into these new, separate categories. It felt very strange and changed how I look at possessions.
There is a desert veiled in pavement
And there's a city of seven hills
When I read these lines, it makes me think of the distance that now separates Melinda and I. I'm still here living in a concrete jungle, while she's moved on to another plane of existence. It's been so many years since I believed in God or even read the Bible, but I remember a reference to a city of seven hills. Whether my memory is correct or not, for me it conjures an image of a heavenly place and I can imagine her being there.
And all our debris flows to the ocean
To meet again, I hope it will
Our lives were heading down the same river together and now she's been swept down another path. I hope that her stream is less rocky than mine. With all she endured in her life, Melinda deserves to float down a gentle river for a time. My hope is that we'll see each other again once we both reach the end of our respective journeys.
How could something so fair
Be so cruel
When this black sun revolved
Around you!
When I hear the words "so fair" in this context, it makes me think of beauty. Life can be quite beautiful at times, yet there are moments that make you feel as if you are being punished. In reality, good and bad things happen to everyone and actual cruelty would require that a higher being consciously decides to inflict misery on someone. The "black sun" could be taken as a bad omen, as a superstitious person may view a solar eclipse, although I am not superstitious myself.
There is an answer in a question
And there is hope within despair
And there is beauty in a failure,
And there are depths beyond compare
These lines give me strength because I know that some good can come as a side effect of bad situations. I especially love "beauty in a failure". I don't know if I will ever be ready to love someone again, but if I do, my failures as a husband with Melinda can be used as lessons that can help inform my behavior in the next relationship. Becoming a better version of myself is a beautiful thing and something I would like to achieve.
There is a role of a lifetime
And there's a song yet to be sung
I have often wondered what worth I have brought to this world. It's probably natural to reflect on one's life after a certain age. I used to consider all of the possible paths that lay before me when I was young and think that so many doors are now closed. I've come to realize that those doors might be closed, but they aren't locked. I just have to trust in myself and venture through them. Whether or not I'm successful down a particular path isn't as important as the satisfaction of having walked it in the first place.
And there's a dumpster in the driveway
Of all the plans that came undone
The message here applies to my life both figuratively and literally. The life I had no longer exists. All the plans Melinda and I had, both for the house and for our lives, are irrevocably changed. For example, I still wanted to get her to Tokyo Disney. I had no idea how we were ever going to afford such a trip, but I knew that I'd get us there eventually. None of the things we were going to do will ever happen now. In a literal sense, even though I didn't rent an actual dumpster, I have thrown a great many items into the trash. It was a difficult task to separate items by worth. If you can't sell something or give it away, and you don't personally want to keep it, there really is no other choice.
There is whisky in the water
And there is death upon the vine
And there is grace within forgiveness
But it's so hard for me to find
The imagery from the start of the song is reinforced here, along with one of the hardest lines for me to take. As I've detailed in other entries, I feel like I could have done so much better as a husband. I inflicted pain on Melinda many times. Even though hurting her was not my intent, it doesn't change the result. I'm trying to forgive myself, but it's difficult. It's my only option though, because I can't seek forgiveness from Melinda. One day, I hope we can reunite and find peace together and leave behind all the baggage from our time here on this plane of existence.
