The Night My Life Changed Forever - Part 1

I've been told by various people, including my therapist, that keeping a journal can be very helpful in sorting out feelings.  I don't know how often I will end up posting new entries, but I have decided to write in a decidedly more public place than in the pages of my personal journal.  My hope is that what I write may be of some help to others who have had a similar experience.

A little over two years ago my wife Melinda passed away at 47 years old.  It was sudden and unexpected, and the night it happened was by far the single worst night of my life.  I don't know if it would have been easier if I had known ahead of time, say if she had been battling cancer or some other terminal illness.  In my mind, I feel that I would've had time to become accustomed to the idea of losing her.  In reality, it would have been horrible either way, but it just felt like such a gut punch, one for which I hadn't braced myself.

I had come home from work one evening around 7 pm.  Melinda was lying in the bedroom with an ice pack on her neck.  She was having another migraine.  It was nothing new, so I didn't feel like I should be worried.  She occasionally experienced them as long as I had known her, which was more than 30 years.  We met and started dating when she was 15 and I recall her dealing with them even then.  I had laid down on the bed next to her to see how she was doing and I stayed there for a while.  She asked me if I had eaten dinner and I told her I hadn't.  She told me I should go eat something and just let her rest in the dark and quiet room.

So I left her lying on the bed, not realizing those would be the last words I would ever share with her.  I ate dinner and since I couldn't watch any of the TV shows we enjoy together, I started playing GTA V on my XBOX.  I was nearly done with the game and I was just cleaning up a few collectibles and achievements.  I don't recall how many times I went to check on Melinda, although I know it was several.  I would look in and see her sleeping with Indigo (one of our cats) under the blanket at her feet.

Sometime between 10:30 and 11 pm, I had just experienced a moment of great satisfaction as I received the achievement for 100% completion of the game.  Then I noticed that Indigo had come into the living room. Thinking she was possibly awake and hopefully feeling better, I decided to check on Melinda again and offer to get her something to eat.  I crawled up on the bed as I had 4 hours before.  I reached up to shake her lightly by the arm and recoiled as her skin was cold.  I had an icy feeling in my chest.  I knew what that meant, even though I had never dealt with a dead body before.

I was frantic and I didn't know what to do at first.  Melinda would have known.  She was always great in a crisis.  I was sobbing and calling her name as I held her.  I then called 911 in case there was anything that could be done, although in my heart I knew she had been gone for a while.  Her legs appeared bruised all over, which I assumed meant that blood had been pooling for a while.  Her blood was no longer circulating and God only knew how long ago her heart had stopped beating.

So through tears and incoherent wailing, I spoke with the 911 operator, listening to her instructions.  She had me roll Melinda over and perform CPR on her.  I told her that she was dead, but the operator encouraged me to do chest compressions and to call them out loud.  Two years have passed and I can still hear my shaking voice call out those numbers.  Thankfully, I didn't have to do that for long as the EMTs were knocking at the front door.  I let them in and they rushed into the back bedroom to her aid.  I don't recall how long they were in the room, but it felt like only a minute or so.  One of them then confirmed what I had already known.  She was gone and had been for a while.

The most important person in my life was ripped away from me.  We hadn't even considered creating wills because we were supposed to have so much more time together.  I was lost and adrift on a sea of emotions.   I had to deal with police questioning and I had relatives to notify. My night was just getting started.